Okay, so….this is a hard one for me as it’s a new memory that resurfaced last night after sharing a picture with a friend. It was only a picture of tbe back of me showing what my hair looks like when it’s been curled using just plaits, but it was enough to set of my anxiety, flashbacks and new memories that until now have been safely locked away and forgotten about. Memories tbat had no need to reappear, there was no purpose, other than to fuck me up even more. (I don’t normally swear so apologies)
I hate it when it happens, you think you remember all you can cope with already, that things can’t get any worse. You think you have made some progress to recovery, albeit maybe slow progress, but the difference in you is there, and then in a split second, you hit the floor with the same hard thud as you sink back down into your depression. With one new memory, my mind is back behind that dark grey vision and I feel I am trying to claw my way out of that hole but the sides are caving in the more I try,
The pain that memory caused me, led me to self harm quite badly. In new places and old places, Making new fresh wounds doesn’t hurt as much as tbe mental pain. In a weird way, the razor comforted me. It was my safety net, my friend. As long as I keep control of it, I’m fine, but I really felt like I was losing it at times, that I was going deeper tban I planned. But whatever helped had to be.
Every so often, I will hear that “kill yourself” voice in tbe back of my mind, so the fight to survive begins again. The fight I have had to go through so many times to beat the demons in my head. But it’s no good, I needed just one more cut to make it stop, but one led to two and so on. Eventually I felt okay enough to stop and walk away from ‘my friend’
I haven’t even began to explain the memory, and I’m crying. But I need to write it down, get it out of me, release it. Even if it hurts me more doing so, it can only help towards my recovery, right?
Wow, just even talking about this upto now has just reminded me why my hair played a part in this 😔 I guess this is where I open up about the more recent memory.
As you may know, Brian was my abuser/R*pist (still can’t say the whole word) from age 7-11yrs old. If you don’t know, my stories are under other posts on my blog. Anyway, this new memory unfolded last night as I might have already said.
i now remember being laid on the bed, stripped off naked, with Brian still fully clothed but touching me. Details are still vague but the touching I remember. It was the same as always, no different I don’t think. He still stunk and it still hurt.
There was a knock on the door so Brian went to answer it, me, stupid me thinking someone at the door had brought it to an end, stupid thinking, as he came back with another man. Apparently this man was his friend, as brian introduced him to me and me to him, I couldn’t say anything, Inhad tears streaming down my face but Brian told this other guy I was a good girl as i was passed sweets by this stranger. Something my mum had taught me never to do, and there I was taking them, scared of consequences if I was to say no. Brian already had me stripped naked so this other man didn’t need to really do anything before he got started on me, from what I remember, it started almost instantly. The touching, I can remember both sets of hands touching me, one of them shoved something into me but I don’t remember who or what it was but I’m sure in time I will, unfortunately.
The touching continued, the poking things into me continued, until the next thing I remember is Brian and this man taking turns at R**ing me. This strange guy also grabbed the back of my hair and yanked my head back as I tried to get away, By this time, when all this was happening, I was 9yrs old. I also now remember the words from Brians mouth “Don’t damage her, Bob will know” I’m still not sure what he means by that.
Here I was for the last 2 years, having allsorts done to me, from touching and full penetration, to have this new guy come in and join in to be told not to damage me?
I WAS ALREADY DAMAGED!!
I don’t remember much more at the minute but will add to this as more memories resurface. I don’t even know how it ended. Details are still not clear, and not all events and details are remembered yet. The more I write, the more I open up and the more I try to win, the more I keep getting kicked back down.
If hurts remembering this, I live every night in fear of a bad nightmare. I have felt sick all day remembering what I remembered. Was I part of a ring, was I just victim to a guy and his friend, was I a sex slave?
These are things I ask myself now, was it just the 2 of them or were there more that I blocked out of memory? Will more resurface as time goes on?
I was a child, and now that child is a 19yr old with nightmares, flashbacks, scars and fresh wounds on her body, and alone with mental health issues. They are not entirely to blame for my illnesses, other situations contributed too but they stole my life, my childhood, and although I can try make things better for myself and son, I can never get them years back. I can never be a child. Just a child, ever again😔
Tonight I’m left traumatised all over again, have cried, self harmed, let myself down and others down. I haven’t been the strong one that I’m expected to be. I am hating what they did, but the self loathe I feel towards myself is so much worse. Why didn’t I just tell someone? Why did I allow my body to be invaded in such a way, every weekend for over 4 years? I don’t know if self forgiveness will ever play a part in my recovery, I blame myself too much.
I tried self care, took a bath, had a hot choc, sat and watched films and was gentle to myself, but underneath, I feel like I’m once again trying to fight them off me, trying to breathe from under their weight. But …