The Journey Begins

Hey, Thanks for joining me on my disclosure of my past life, my present life, and hopefully you will join me as I face the future. I want to be able to share with you my story, so that I can help inspire some of you, or maybe just help someone who relates with anything I mention.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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I’m alive but not okay

I’m writing this on my blog for those on twitter, as words are limited on there, I have too much to say.

Firstly, for those worrying, I am here, and I am alive still. But really not doing well, I’m struggling. Struggling to keep fighting, struggling to think anything good about myself, struggling not to believe I deserve everything that ever happened to me and struggling to believe I’m worthy of life, friends, love and happiness.

A lot of this has to do with my past, but a lot also has to do with recent events on twitter, and without naming and shaming, I just want to state how disgusting a few can treat people and get away with it while at the same time playing victim to bullying when it is themselves being the bully. What is sadder is that people agreed how wrong it was yet blocked me to stick up for the one in the wrong.

This further confirmed how worthless I am, how people get me to trust and bond with them only then to use and abuse and walk out of my life when it suits them. If you have had that happen you will understand how much that hurts. Especially when you already have depression and problems with self confidence and identity.

These people claim to “be there for everyone” hmm

Like I said, they are not the only reason, I’m struggling badly with suicidal feelings and self harm, feeling like I’m letting people down, that everyone is going to hate me because I’m struggling to fight it, that I’m just a burden in peoples lives and that I’m better off dead.

Last night I won’t go into, today, I have been battling with all I have to stay alive, to remain focused on getting better and to find the person deep within me that is a fighter, but I still can’t find her. She’s still lost and I don’t know if she will ever be found again.

So another night has approached where I sit unable to sleep, and wishing I was dead. Another long night of tears, and pain that never seem to end, and all I want is someone to hold me and tell me I will be okay, but I’m alone.

To all my true twitter family that have been there for me despite whatever goes on, I love you and thankyou…. but don’t waste your time on me anymore 💔

The meaning of Christmas for me.

When I hear the words  Merry Christmas, Happy christmas or even Happy new year,   it brings so many feelings. Last years christmas was tainted with grief and sadness as 3 important people were missing from my life that should have been there opening presents and singing carols. Instead, it was just my baby son and my “dad”. There was no happiness, no christmas tree or decorations, no singing along to christmas songs or christmas dinner. 

This year will be no different, in that respect, but it will be harder. This year it’s just myself and son. Again, no tree, decorations or dinner, partly because I can’t afford it but secondly because there is no joy to christmas anymore,  and while my baby boy will be the only one with presents, from only myself,  I will sit watching him play with his new toys and know I will feel empty and dead inside. It will be so hard to put a happy face on,  I don’t mind not having anything to open myself, all I care about it my son being okay and getting tbrough a tough day. 

I do though, wish everyone a good christmas, but remember, not everyone can deal with things that day. In your day of celebrations and partying and exchanging of gifts, please take any spare time to check on others who you think may be struggling. While you’re laughing, myself and others are probably crying. Even if it’s just 10 minutes of your day, it can mean the world to someone feeling alone. 

Love and best wishes to all 

Amy 💜 

How could you?

My heart is broken, I have been ripped in half and I wish I was dead. That is basically me since recent events. Events that have broken the last glimmer of hope I had and weakened the last bit of strength I had to fight and recover from previous events. I have laid in bed for 2 days solid and cried and hated myself, lost the will to live, felt disgusting, filthy, ashamed and worthless. I have refused all food, which you know in itself is nothing new As I hardly eat anyway,, but to refuse even small amounts is not me, instead I just want to curl up under the covers and pretend I don’t exist.  My online friends are trying so hard to keep me afloat, but they don’t realise I’m already sinking and drowning in my own depression. I used to be strong, I used to inspire others, now look at me! Look what you have done. I’m losing weight, I’m covered in fresh wounds, but you did this to me, all of you. 

Dad, I can’t put into words how I feel about you, I loved you despite everything, I want to hate you, but part of me still says you are my dad, you must love me, it was a mistake you made, it was my fault, it was something I did wrong, I asked for it, deserved it, and I still love you, but although all is true, I think if I was to say I still loved you, I’d be lying.  Why did you do this to me? 

I though Brian and whoever his friend is, was enough to cope with, their filthy acts that polluted my own skin and made me filthy too. Inside and out, but dad, your involvment? …. Why? 

You left it until I was at what I thought was my lowest after finding out you knew about these events I suffered, but nothing could have prepared me for you telling me you were paid for it 😢 nothing! 

Now I know the true feeling of being rock bottom, broken, and past repair. I now know what it feels like to drown in your own feelings and despair. I want to die because of you, what was I? Your little doll that you could pass over to these perverts for a few extra £££’s? How much was I worth? £10? £20? How much did you charge for the r*pe? How much for the BJ? 

I was 7yr old dad!!  For 4 yrs this went on too, how could you? I am feeling sick just thinking of you exchanging money while I lay crying and traumatised. 

All I wanted was to be loved and protected! 

Instead I’m feeling lost, sad, in pain, broken, worthless, dirty, ashamed, disgusting, and to blame. I hate you, I hate what happened to me, but guess what? i hate myself more. I hate me because there is nothing left of my old self, that light and strength has diminished, you blew the flame out on my life, now there’s nothing left in me to fight with. 

How does one recover from something like this? My second year in a row to be dealt evil blows. Second year in a row christmas is cancelled. 

I feel like I was a prostitute since there was exchanging of money, but I was a young child, I didn’t want it, and I knew nothing of what was going on between you…so am I or am I not one? Was it my fault? Did I break your account with the cost of raising me that I had to somehow pay? 

You tried to end your life tbe other night, so many will hate me for saying this, but I wish you had succeeded. You left me wanting the same thing for me, come see the fresh wounds on my body, the wounds you indirectly caused, you were the cause of that razor going across my skin many many times, I own the body you had stained with dirt, and it won’t come out.  I still scrub my skin even now, 

Dad, I was your little girl. Why did you do this to me? I wish you all had killed me instead. 

To be cont.. need a break

Men are NOT weak for crying


So we have all heard it, Female suicides, Teen Suicides,Child Mental Health,Female anorexia, Female inpatients, Female self harmers, Women cry, Children cry,…. BUT WHAT ABOUT MEN?!

I’m a 19yr old female with mental health issues, fighting for the rights of the Male population. Why? Because the stigma surrounding Men and Mental Health is disturbing, and in all honesty, disgusting.

We as human beings were born with emotions. From the day we are born, we used them emotions to express ourselves through crying, and as we grew, through crying, shouting, or talking about what’s wrong. Nothing is given a second thought to this behaviour as it’s the most natural way of expressing frustration, pain and anger, as well as fear and sadness. It is classed as healthy development when a child learns to express how he feels. Crying is seen as NORMAL.

So why is it that as boys start to reach their teen years, and unfortunately some before this, are they being taught that it’s wrong for them to cry or ask for help? Why are men being shamed into keeping quiet and dealing with it alone?

Are we still stuck in the days of “Man is the breadwinner, the protector, the one who should be there to hold everyone together when they are falling apart”? So wrong! We are not in them days anymore, MENTAL HEALTH DOES NOT HAVE A GENDER PREFERENCE!

How many of these men who think they are not allowed to cry, lock themselves in a bathroom, sit behind the door and cry in private? Does it not bother you if that was your husband…son…dad…grandad…uncle? Wouldn’t you feel remorse for shaming a crying man if that was your loved one you found out had to secretly lock himself away to cry because no-one understood him or cared that he too can hurt?

If you can stil sot there and say you wouldn’t care, the shame is on you, not him.

Did you know that the stigma behind male mental health has men committing suicide as a means to escape the turmoil and lonliness they are feeling? In fact, more men than women end their lives and it has to stop. Suicide altogether for all genders has to stop but MEN need out help to have their needs and feelings recognised.

Help spread the word, help reach as many men as you can and show them it is okay to cry, it’s okay to reach out and ask for help. They are not alone. They have as much right to help as anyone does, and the shame, the stigma has to stop NOW! Women fought long and hard to have equal rights to men. And we won. So now I am going to help men fight long and hard to get equal rights to help, to being accepted, to be understood and to help them on their way to recovery rather than death, because that’s where a large number end up. If you are male, and fighting Mental Health issues, please please please know that I do not think you are weak, I do not laugh at your tears, or bully you because of your Problems. I stand by you in your fight to be heard, and will help you in your time of need. Cry, scream, shout your feelings out, it’s okay, it’s safe and people do care ♥️ 

This is my appeal to spread awareness about mental health in the male population. We are all behind you and want to show you, it’s okay to cry.

Even the strongest walls can crumble

Today I feel defeated.

Defeated by my own inner turmoil that changes the way I view myself and the world. Although I’m normally strong, today I feel weak, beaten and alone. 

You can have a thousand people around you, but still be lonely. I have the whole of MHCrisisAngels as well as my followers and Son, but the loneliness is something else. It’s an inner feeling, a feeling of being lost, somewhere amongst the stresses and pain that each day brings. Usually I do pretty well at controlling it, but there’s always a nagging sharp pain that digs right in my heart, caused by a void, an emptiness and a longing.

In 24 hour, I’ve had 2 drinks, nothing to eat and an hours sleep. You don’t need to tell me that it’s not good or healthy because I already know, but I would rather lie curled up in a ball under my quilt   and stay there.  It feel safer, almost like a conforter. I can hide away, cover myself up and stay hidden from the outside world. I don’t feel ready to face it again, that black mist hangs over my head again, dulling everything in my sight, 

Today, I felt so disconnected with reality that the only way I could connect again, was to take a blade across my skin to feel pain and see blood. It didn’t fully have the effect I hoped but it helped. 

Now I just lie in bed, wondering if I can now survive the night, or will the demons that have haunted my last few days, finally come for one final visit? 😔

Unwanted memories (trigger)

Okay, so….this is a hard one for me as it’s a new memory that resurfaced last night after sharing a picture with a friend. It was only a picture of tbe back of me showing what my hair looks like when it’s been curled using just plaits, but it was enough to set of my anxiety, flashbacks and new memories that until now have been safely locked away and forgotten about. Memories tbat had no need to reappear, there was no purpose, other than to fuck me up even more. (I don’t normally swear so apologies)

I hate it when it happens, you think you remember all you can cope with already, that things can’t get any worse. You think you have made some progress to recovery, albeit maybe slow progress, but the difference in you is there, and then in a split second, you hit the floor with the same hard thud as you sink back down into your depression. With one new memory, my mind is back behind that dark grey vision and I feel I am trying to claw my way out of that hole but the sides are caving in the more I try,

The pain that memory caused me, led me to self harm quite badly. In new places and old places,   Making new fresh wounds doesn’t hurt as much as tbe mental pain. In a weird way, the razor comforted me. It was my safety net, my friend. As long as I keep control of it, I’m fine, but I really felt like I was losing it at times, that I was going deeper tban I planned. But whatever helped had to be.

Every so often, I will hear that “kill yourself” voice  in tbe back of my mind, so the fight to survive begins again. The fight I have had to go through so many times to beat the demons in my head. But it’s no good, I needed just one more cut to make it stop, but one led to two and so on. Eventually I felt okay enough to stop and walk away from ‘my friend’

I haven’t even began to explain the memory, and I’m crying. But I need to write it down, get it out of me, release it. Even if it hurts me more doing so, it can only help towards my recovery, right?

Wow, just even talking about this upto now has just reminded me why my hair played a part in this 😔 I guess this is where I open up about the more recent memory.

As you may know, Brian was my abuser/R*pist (still can’t say the whole word) from age 7-11yrs old. If you don’t know, my stories are under other posts on my blog. Anyway, this new memory unfolded last night as I might have already said.

i now remember being laid on the bed, stripped off naked, with Brian still fully clothed but touching me. Details are still vague but the touching I remember. It was the same as always, no different I don’t think. He  still stunk and it still hurt.

There was a knock on the door so Brian went to answer it, me, stupid me thinking someone at the door had brought it to an end, stupid thinking, as he came back with another man. Apparently this man was his friend, as brian introduced him to me and me to him, I couldn’t say anything, Inhad tears streaming down my face but Brian told this other guy I was a good girl as i was passed sweets by this stranger. Something my mum had taught me never to do, and there I was taking them, scared of consequences if I was to say no. Brian already had me stripped naked so this other man didn’t need to really do anything before he got started on me, from what I remember, it started almost instantly. The touching, I can remember both sets of hands touching me, one of them shoved something into me but I don’t remember who or what it was but I’m sure in time I will, unfortunately.

The touching continued, the poking things into me continued, until the next thing I remember is Brian and this man taking turns at R**ing me. This strange guy also grabbed the back of my hair and yanked my head back as I tried to get away,  By this time, when all this was happening, I was 9yrs old.  I also now remember the words from Brians mouth “Don’t damage her, Bob will know” I’m still not sure what he means by that.

Here I was for the last 2 years, having allsorts done to me, from touching and full penetration, to have this new guy come in and join in to be told not to damage me?

I WAS ALREADY DAMAGED!!

I don’t remember much more at the minute but will add to this as more memories resurface.  I don’t even know how it ended. Details are still not clear, and not all events and details are remembered yet. The more I write, the more I open up and the more I try to win, the more I keep getting kicked back down.

If hurts remembering this, I live every night in fear of a bad nightmare. I have felt sick all day remembering what I remembered. Was I part of a ring, was I just victim to a guy and his friend, was I a sex slave?

These are things I ask myself now, was it just the 2 of them or were there more that I blocked out of memory? Will more resurface as time goes on?

I was a child, and now that child is a 19yr old with nightmares, flashbacks, scars and fresh wounds on her body, and alone with mental health issues. They are not entirely to blame for my illnesses, other situations contributed too but they stole my life, my childhood, and although I can try make things better for myself and son, I can never get them years back. I can never be a child. Just a child, ever again😔

Tonight I’m left traumatised all over again, have cried, self harmed, let myself down and others down. I haven’t been the strong one that I’m expected to be. I am hating what they did,  but the self loathe I feel towards myself is so much worse. Why didn’t I just tell someone? Why did I allow my body to be invaded in such a way, every weekend for over 4 years? I don’t know if self forgiveness will ever play a part in my recovery, I blame myself too much.

I tried self care, took a bath, had a hot choc, sat and watched films and was gentle to myself, but underneath, I feel like I’m once again trying to fight them off me, trying to breathe from under their weight. But …

I’m okay